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Obituary for Grendel: A Satire

Matthew Saporito

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About the Writing

In this three-sentence introduction to Grendel, we learn about his life, accomplishments, and disappointments. Grendel, a monster known for terrorizing Hrothgar's Kingdom, achieved notable feats such as becoming the first literate person in his family, killing 1,000 cows, and raiding 25 villages. Despite these achievements, his first encounter with humans left him isolated and disappointed, which may have contributed to his evil nature. Grendel's life was filled with both darkness and light, as he enjoyed playing the accordion and had a powerful bond with his mother.

The Writing

Obituary for Grendel: A SatireMatthew Saporito
00:00 / 01:04

Grendel



Grendel - Samuel S. Sanders, The Wave, 2024
Grendel Memorial Image


700-724 CE, AGE 24. Gwrtheyrn Grendo Aliquam the III, more commonly known as Grendel, passed away on December 8th while engaging in a rigorous fight with the highly regarded hero, Beowulf. Beowulf traveled far and wide to Hrothgar's Kingdom to end Grendel's chaotic and vicious actions. Before the fight, Grendel was reported to be constantly watching the hero. Grendel's prior killing experience and his confidence drove his battle with Beowulf. Witnesses from Hrothgar's Kingdom had reported Grendel to be terrorizing the town before the incident, as he had done many times before. After Grendel causes chaos, Beowulf gets a hold of Grendel that he didn't expect. He ripped his arm off and shoved him against the hard wooden wall of the mead-hall. Bystanders of the fight reported Grendel to be screaming "accident" and crying to his mother. Further interviewing with the dragon following Grendel's Death gave us greater insight into Grendel's nihilistic philosophy. Grendel's philosophy drove him to believe that he was unstoppable. Therefore, the act of his Death came as a surprise and as an "accident" to him. Shortly after Beowulf had ripped his arm off, Grendel ran off into the woods, just outside of Hrothgar's Kingdom in Møn, Denmark, where he was said to be found dead later that evening, with animals surrounding the corpse. Although terrible, Grendel passed away doing what he loved most: fighting. To many, this Death came as a relief, yet it is still one to be remembered. 





When Grendel wasn't out roaming the outside world, he was in the comfort of his own home. Grendel lived deep within a cave immersed in the swamps of Møn, Denmark. The house was far from any human contact, which left him practically alone in the cave with his illiterate mother. He could not communicate with his mother, yet they showed a powerful love for each other. As Grendel's life progressed, he slowly grew further away from his mother as he developed his language skills and contacted the outside world, whereas his mother did not. The outside world intrigued him, and with that curiosity came many hobbies Grendel enjoyed. Grendel enjoyed raiding kingdoms and killing and eating cows, and he especially loved killing humans. He especially loved to terrorize and taunt Hrothgar's kingdom. In his own home, Grendel enjoyed cuddling his mother and observing the strange dolls surrounding his home. He was a philosophical thinker who enjoyed gaining knowledge from others.

A notable achievement Grendel made in his life was 500 human kills. As if successfully terrorizing Hrothgar's Kingdom wasn't a big enough achievement, Grendel's driving personality caused him to set a goal of 500 human kills. A week before his Death, Grendel had achieved this goal, with his last raid setting his kill count at 504. Other notable achievements include:

  • First literate person in his family.

  • Killing 1000 cows.

  • Raiding 25 villages in his lifetime.

A notable disappointment in Grendel's life was his first encounter with humans. All his life, Grendel strived to be understood by humans, yet his first encounter with them drove them further away. Due to Grendel's monster appearance, the humans rejected him in fear, further pushing Grendel into isolation. This encounter profoundly disappointed and hurt Grendel and potentially caused him to be the evil monster he came to be. However, this encounter does not stop Grendel from thriving; he is a jolly soul outside his human contact. Something many did not know, Grendel enjoyed playing the accordion within the comfort of his own home. He quickly built an immense skill for the instrument, continuously recounting the melodies the shaper would play. It was said that the songs could be heard from distant kingdoms, even from his sound-dampening cave. 


Grendel is survived by his mother, who lives with him in his cave. He is predeceased by the Biblical figures Cain, his 14th great-grandfather, and Adam and Eve, his 15th great-grandparents. The family in between is currently unknown. 



A funeral service is scheduled for 2:00 p.m. on Friday, December 22nd, 724 CE. The service will be held at the Evangelical Lutheran People's Church of Denmark outside Hrothgar's Kingdom. Reverend Aghvarth Healfdene will officiate. Before the service, flowers, condolences, and cow heads may be offered at Hrothgar's mead hall. 


Thank you to all those who loved and cared for Grendel; he was a misunderstood yet beautiful soul. 


Because I could not stop for Death –

He kindly stopped for me –

The Carriage held but just Ourselves –

And Immortality.


We slowly drove – He knew no haste

And I had put away

My labor and my leisure, too,

For His Civility –


We passed the School, where Children strove

At Recess – in the Ring –

We passed the Fields of Gazing Grain –

We passed the Setting Sun –


Or, instead – He passed Us –

The Dews drew quivering and Chill –

For only Gossamer, my Gown –

My Tippet – only Tulle –


We paused before a House that seemed

A Swelling of the Ground –

The Roof was scarcely visible –

The Cornice – in the Ground –


Since then – 'tis Centuries – and yet

Feels shorter than the Day

I first surmised the Horses' Heads

Were toward Eternity –


-Emily Dickinson



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